Very personal

Time: 5.30pm
Weather: rainy day, temperature around 20C.
Location: York U Second Cup
Now playing: songs that I feel connected to
Mood: was bad. Now better, going to be good

This is gonna be very personal, I swear.

Finished my improvisation private lesson, I have so much on my mind now. The feelings are swallowing me, and I'm stuck.

It has been 2 weeks since school started. I have been outrageously energetic, hardworking, positive, outgoing, critical, confident, and any good attitude you can possibly associate with. IT IS GOOD.  I acknowledge the importance of both personal and "professional" expression. But I think I have been "working" so much that I ignored my little heart can be quite breakable sometimes.

I want love, I want care. Not from anyone, but from myself.

I have been giving out love and care so much lately and I ignored the existence of my little self.

This doesn't mean I'm weak in reality. I just ignored the sensitive (YES that's the word) self. I talked to myself a lot but most of them are about how to relate myself to the outside world...about my responsibility and things that I want to do.

What about things that I want to feel, just for the sake of myself?

For the sake of myself.
For the sake of myself.
For the sake of myself.
For the sake of myself.

Myself
Myself
Myself

Who the heaven am I? And why does that even matter?

It doesn't matter to anyone other than myself. I feel my existence, that's what matters.

Whatever I do when I'm alone, or even in the middle of the crowd, if I do it to make myself feel good, do it.

Sometimes, you need to take a break from "social" responsbility. Despite that, my attitude of "working makes me feel good" still works very much.

Just this moment, please, let me be alone, to think and feel whatever I want. After a while...tonight, tomorrow, or just the next hour, I will read this post again and be critical again.

Break.
Break.
Break.

When I was feeling quite bad just now,  I found a quiet spot in music building and played this song on my iPod, in a relatively loud volume to block all the sound around me...focused on the sound of this song...



Ivana Wong's "I'm really hurt". It is a nice song indeed, but not a song that's very significant in my life, and my heart is not hurt. I just wanted a soft female voice singing a song that doesn't need a lot of techniques, yet sensitive emotions.

Music is what feelings sound like. How do one sound when he/she is hurt? This song is one of the ways.

But you can scream, you can cry, you can moan. Those are sounds of hurt too. Music is just one of those many many many ways.

Because I question the importance of iPod, because I question the importance of "stylistic" music, I started to listen to a lot of weird stuff - avant garde, experimental, alternative, free jazz, soundscape composition - all of them are still considered music, but they break "rules" led by conventional and mainstream music.

Mainstream is not only pop. In North America, it's also Western classical music composed by masters (Mozart, Beethoven etc.), jazz standards (those by Ella Fitzgerald, Frank Sinatra, Carmen McRae etc.) and smooth jazz/easy listening (Norah Jones, Michael Buble etc.)

But there are times when I just want to listen to certain singers or songs, especially those I feel connected to. Most of those music, I discovered them without the "assistance" of formal courses and teachers.

I like that process of loving a musician just because one day you heard about him on radio, you dig the songs, you googled him, found more youtube videos and songs and albums, saw him on newspaper, heard about him from your friends, you wanted the radio play the songs again, you streamed his songs every day, then you decided to own a hardcopy of the album, you bought it, held it with hands, hugged it, put it next to your bed, went to concerts and autograph sessions, be happy.

In short, be a small [yet significant] fan.

After writing all these, I found myself even more connected to the outside world and communities, although I was being very personal (and probably a lot of grammatical errors too).

Working makes me feel good. But there are many ways to feel good, don't limit yourself to just one source to happiness. People tend to get bored by one same approach, so, switch around and have fun!!!

PS: After playing Ivana's song, I switched my playlist to this...



told you, this post is very personal.

I learn, I think, I create

I learn from great teachers;

I learn from my colleagues;

I learn from people who are better than me;

I learn by reading;

I learn by listening;

I learn by observing life;

I learn by making mistakes.

I think when I'm learning;

I think what I learned;

I think why I need to think;

I think why I need to learn;

I think what I didn't learn;

I think, therefore I am.*

I create what I thought about what I learned;

I create to let myself hear my own voice;

I create for myself;

I create for myself who is attached to many people;

I create for no one;

I create for people who love me;

I create to make people love me;

I create to make me love me.

I create by thinking about love and hate;

I create by thinking about ignorance;

I create by unlearning what I learned;

I create by questioning what I used to persist;

I create to challenge myself.

.......................................

I was actually writing a short one to post on my sidebar, as a reminder and motivator to myself since I embrace the cycle of learning + thinking + creating so much now. Then the writing went on and on, G-Dragon** was singing his hiphop softly through my speakers, my mind was getting sleepy yet wanted to continue mapping the cycle. I believe what I wrote above might seem lacking tomorrow when I wake up, but if I have the drive to write, why limit myself?

Certain level of self limiting is definitely good for the creating process, but writing is more like a thinking and re-learning process, although all of them actually interweave together into a piece of [un]beautiful cloth. When the mind map is presented through a kind of medium, in this case my blog, it becomes immortal and exists physically in this world. Whoever drops by and sees what I drew...

They might not pay attention at all...

They might pay too much attention thus they hate me...

Or they might fall in love with me.

When I don't expect love and compliments only, I feel more realistic and existed in this world. Utopia can hardly be achieved, that's why beautiful things are beautiful.

*that line is from philosopher Rene Descartes, you should know it. If you didn't, now you know.

**korean hiphop playing softly as background music, I started to feel the merge between my pop and unpop side. What a nice realization.

Every jazz lover can be jazz artist

Saturday evening, I watched this documentary about first generation of Korean jazz musicians. I bought the DVD from YesAsia a while ago (actually pre-ordered it, yes I was THAT desperate).

"Bravo! Jazz Life", a documentary film that documents the process of making a concert and album featuring these jazz maestros. This film was released in Dec 2010 and the concert was held in Jan 2011. I didn't know about these musicians at all, but seeing them playing "Round Midnight" and "All of Me", talking about John Coltrane and Duke Ellington, I feel a sense of connection with these awesome people. We speak different languages, but we are connected through music. This sounds a bit cliche, but it's so so true. I still can't remember most of their names; but trust me, I will learn their names and for sure check them out, and check out jazz scene in South Korea when I visit there.

Trailer with english subtitles

Their stories are so touching and inspiring. Most musicians' stories are inspiring, I can never deny this. In the 50s and 60s, South Korea wasn't as wealthy as today's. There was no jazz school nor jazz clubs. How did these jazz musicians find out about jazz and how did they learn jazz? How did they balance their time working and playing jazz? How about their friends and family? Why jazz? I learned so much in this film. And I feel so thankful and lucky that I have almost everything in my life.

I like one of the lines said by the narrator, "[paraphrased] Jazz musicians, jazz columnists, volunteers, fans, everyone can be jazz artist; all of them shape one jazz culture and community."

Music brings people together. Jazz is rooted from the US; but around the globe, once you hear that swinging hi hat and laid back piano comping, you feel connected with the musicians and the people around you. Jazz has so much personality and attitude embedded in the music and atmosphere, it's very humane, and it's about life.